I’m Not Okay
by su-angelvicioso
Summary: María comes for a visit, invited to an event by Jasper, only for the night to take a turn for the worse.


**A/N: This is a peice I wrote (literally lol) while sitting in this hospital bed all drugged up on meds to reduce this horrendous pain lmao. I didn't have my phone at the time and I didn't have much to do so of course my mind was racing and I came up with this, I didn't want to lose it so I ended up writing it down. This fic is really close to me and I found myself kind of writing from a place of a certain emotion deep inside me. I just typed it all up on my phone and I was originally going to just keep it to myself thinking that it wasn't long enough or good enough to release it to the public but I just decided to post it anyway. I hope whoever reads this likes it!**

~General Pov~

She didn't know why she was here, this isn't her usual scene. Hasn't been for years.. The night was young, the moon shone brightly above the area, not a cloud in sight, the weather seemed perfect. There were people bustling around, talking, catching up, meeting others. People dancing, bodies swinging, feet swaying. Some are off to the side, further away, standing alone watching everything else, probably too shy or bored to participate in any of the festivities. Some are seated, eating, drinking, things she could no longer enjoy. Thus bringing her back to why she was even present at this little event. She wasn't very good at meeting new people. The only conclusion she could come up with, was that she did not want to disappoint the person who had so graciously invited her.

He'd contacted her out of the blue, she wasn't expecting it, as they hadn't spoken in a little while. Their contact wasn't as consistent as it should be. She always waits for the days where she never hears from him ever again, and just when she thinks it's that time, he surprises her. His words seemed unsure, almost wary of asking her if she would like to attend the party they were having. _"Figured it'd be a nice break away from your responsibilities."_ He'd told her. She agreed, and so she accepted, not really sure if she'd actually go through with it or not. It shocked her something serious that he'd even ask her to be a guest, at first she thought he'd been joking but that thought was debunked immediately by him. He'd voiced his thoughts that it'd be nice to see her again, under much better circumstances, and what better circumstances than a bright and fun social gathering?

So there she was, standing around, staring at nothing, her mind a million miles away in her head. Always in her head, it's not that her head was a fun place to be, because it wasn't, her head housed tons of pain, struggles, suffering… trauma, though she'd never admit it. She thinks admitting to those things would make her weak, and so she pretends it doesn't exist, that it doesn't bother her. She was in her head simply because it was the only place of familiarity at the moment. She didn't know anyone around her except for her inviter and his coven. However, they were off doing their own things, and she was only really comfortable with a few of them. The thought of leaving did cross her mind, but she quickly dismissed it due to the fact that she'd actually missed her friend; but that's something she'd rather not be known.

"You were never this idle when we went to those dance parties down south."

She turned at the familiar sound of his deep voice. He'd startled her. Last time she'd seen him, he was far off talking to someone she didn't recognize. He seemed busy so she definitely wasn't expecting his presence any time soon, especially not now.

"I was a lot more comfortable then, I knew some of the people there, and the music was.. more to my tastes.." She responded, turning to face him completely. There he stood, tall and lean, a slight smile etched on his face. He was just the same as the last time they were face to face. Never breaking his calm but cordial nature. She'd always had a soft spot for the blond, appreciative of his strong but gentle nature, grateful for his kindness to her. There was a small moment of silence before she spoke again.

"Besides… I am really only here for you. Which I haven't seen much of through the night." She tacked on for clarification, squinting her eyes in a patronizing manner, causing him to laugh and raise his hands in surrender.

"Alright, you got me there. It probably wasn't the brightest idea to leave you alone around so many strangers in a place you aren't familiar with. I'm sorry." He apologized with a genuine lighthearted tone. She smiled then, his laugh had always been very contagious to her. He didn't smile or laugh much, but when he did, it brought a soft feeling to her inside.

"It's quite alright, querido amigo. You seemed busy anyway."

She shrugged, looking away, her eyes scanning the area. Searching for nothing in particular, it's simply a habit that she'd adopted over the years as a way to remind herself to be aware. Only turning her attention back to him when she heard his reply, his southern twang thick in his voice.

"Well I ain't busy anymore, so why don't we take some time to catch up with each other? We haven't seen each other in a while." He propositioned, a hopeful look in his eyes. She didn't have to think much about her answer, she'd wanted to catch up with him just as much as he did. He was right, they hadn't seen each other in a very long time, and there's only so much you can do with other means of contact, but there's nothing like being face to face. She simply gave a quick nod before turning and walking away, seeking a place for them to chat, only to stop when she did not feel his presence following behind nor did she hear any footsteps apart from hers. She turned around, a questioning look on her face as to why he did not follow. He just stood there, that same smile still smoothed over his face.

"I meant as we dance…"

He extended his hand, that inviting smile accentuating his friendly gesture. She stood there and watched him for a minute. The man seemed full of surprises lately. She stared at his hand, contemplating if she should take it and dance tonight before she quickly conceded and stepped forward, taking his hand. His smile grew as she placed her delicate hand in his and he began to lead her to the floor. She just watched him.

"Why do we have to dance?" She asked, curiously thinking of what dancing had to do with them talking and catching up, or why he would want to dance with her in the first place. He looked down at her.

"I figured that if I invited you to a party, we should probably dance at least once. I also know that dancing loosens you up, which is something you definitely need right now."

His hand took to her waist as they made it to the rest of the dancing partygoers. He slowly guided her along to the music, watching as she tried to catch along to his rhythm. Her eyes were glued to her feet. She was not familiar with the style of dancing that he was currently leading and so she watched extra carefully over her feet to make sure she was moving correctly as to not trip over his or her own steps.

"You seem to know me pretty well I see.. but what about you? What have you been up to in the past couple decades?" She asked casually, her eyes still trained downward. Jasper watched her, laughing to himself at how overly careful she was before he hooked his arm around her waist lifting her tiny form off the ground causing her eyes to snap towards his in shock. He lowered her onto his own feet, now moving for the both of them so as to ease the worry he felt radiating from her. His arm never left her waist.

"Anyone tell you it's impolite to not look someone in the eyes as you speak to them?" He asked jokingly.

Her face morphed from that of shock into a glare before she replied. "Anyone ever tell you it's impolite to unexpectedly lift someone off their feet?"

He laughed out loud then, his bright smile never faltering as he began to sway them to the music. His movement a lot more pronounced now that he knew she was secured to him and would follow along with his every step.

"Thought you could use a little help there seeing as you seemed a little too worried about your two left feet." His retort brought forth a small laugh from her lips, she lightly hit his broad chest.

"I look silly." She said, embarrassed.

"You look fine." He assured.

"Easy for you to say, seeing as you aren't the one being carried around the dance floor on someone else's feet." She pressed her left foot on his right to add emphasis to her point. He could only laugh even more in return.

"I'm sure it would look even more silly if you'd lifted me onto your feet considering I am twice your size. There's also the fact that you are unfamiliar with this dance."

Her eyes narrowed.

"You did this on purpose." she accused.

His lips took on a sly smirk.

"Guilty as charged." He admitted.

She rolled her eyes in a mocking manner before bringing her attention back to their previous conversation.

"You never answered my question." She mentioned. He nodded, already knowing what she was referring to, and answering immediately.

"I haven't really done much besides go to school, learned some things, earned some degrees, working amongst humans. Just recently had to square off against a couple of nomads for the safety of a human. That's the most action I've seen in a long time, I have to admit, it was pretty exciting." When he finished she spoke quickly, she just had to address the first part of his response.

"Hold on, you mean you actually went to school?" She asked incredulously.

He grinned, "sí, querida amgia. Both high school and college. I have earned degrees in Philosophy and History, it's not the most exciting thing, and I much prefer college over high school, but I must say some of the material is interesting, and college is definitely.. an experience." He elucidated, his grin growing the more shocked her face became. "You should try it some time." He added. Her expression then went from stunned to impish.

"I don't imagine they'd have let you in if they knew your _real_ age geezer." She teased. "Also, I don't think I'd really fit in an educational scene."

He simpered. "I once thought the same thing, but look at me now, I already have two degrees. If I can do it then I know for sure you can " She smiled, "It's nice to know you believe in me. Perhaps I could try it, never hurts to do something new.."

Before she could continue, a thunderous bang sounded from nowhere. She jumped, gasping as her head snapped to the left, her eyes searching. _**Bang!**_ Her head swung in the opposite direction, another sharp intake of air, and she was gone.

There she was, in the middle of her dying village, some of the homes were ablaze in flames, others were being overtaken by what she could only assume to be soldiers considering the uniforms they sported and the large rifles they carried. There was chaos all around her. _**Bang!**_ She jolted forward, the fear in her chest rising. She could hear the sound of a heart thumping, but it couldn't have been hers.. right? She no longer possessed a beating heart.

A hand reached at her, roughly snatching her forward, away from the destruction. She looked up to see her papa. His face was strained and he seemed to be yelling at her through the noise, but she could not make out a word he spoke. She looked past him to see her abuela and mama further away, they looked frightened, worried. They were near the entrance to the forrest, seeming to have found a way to escape the madness that had ensued around her. She struggled to keep up with papa, her tiny legs moving as fast as they could until they stopped abruptly. Her eyes went up to her father wondering what had been the cause for their sudden break in movement until she saw a tall white man with a rifle pointed right at her papa's chest, his fingers twitching at the trigger. The beating of the heart that seemed to be hers, grew to a crescendo of rapid thumps. Before she could react, the deafening bang sounded again. A bright light flashed from the rifle. She clenched her eyes tight. Her hand squeezing what she thought was her papas hand, but it felt different.. it felt soft, smooth, like fabric, like.. cotton?

_"Papa!"_ She sobbed.

Another sharp breath, and she was gone.

Everything was black at first, she held onto herself tightly, when nothing happened, she relaxed her eyes and opened them. She was in the middle of a battlefield, running, not away, but towards something. She looked to her left and saw a group of people running beside her. No, they were vampires.. newborns. Some of them she recognized, others she could not place in her head. She began to slow down until someone shouted an order at her to speed up. She looked to her right to see a face she never thought she'd see again. Her creator, her leader, the last man who would ever 'own' her, ran at her right side, shouting at her to keep going. They came to a clearing in the desert, dust flying everywhere, there was a low rumbling sound. She looked ahead and saw a band of newborns coming at them from across the way. She stopped completely, the others ran ahead. She watched them merge, sounding off yet another ear-splitting bang as their hard bodies clashed into each other. She flinched. It was as if two huge boulders were clashing into each other over and over again. The fighting was always the worst during the beginning to middle of battle. In only a few short minutes there was fighting all around her… again. She didn't know who was who or where to run to. Everything seemed to blend together. Each booming crash sent shivers down her spine. Until she heard loud, clamorous footsteps approaching from behind her. She turned around to see a very huge male barreling towards her. She froze, trembling. Just before he reached her, she shut her eyes tightly. **_Boom!_** She didn't feel the impact, in fact, she felt nothing at all.

Another breath and she was gone.

Everything went black, again. She waited a few minutes before opening her eyes; but when she opened them, she immediately regretted it.

_"No!"_ she screamed.

There she stood, in front of her home, on her territory, watching as it was being taken from her, as her family were being taken from her… again. There were screams and shouts all around, orders being commanded left and right. Then she heard it. That sound. That damned sound that never failed to make her shudder. Her head whipped toward the source as she saw debris flying all over, and that's when she remembered. The bombs. It's how the invaders gained leverage. They blew the bodies of the immortals she knew -and some she cared for- far back as the enemies closed in on the area.

_"María!"_

_"María!!"_

_"María!!!"_

Someone was calling her name. They sounded frantic, but distanced. She turned around, her eyes scattering in all directions looking for her immortal family, her mate, assuming they had been the ones calling for her; but she could not find them. She ran around, the more she didn't see them, the more desperate she became. She found them out by the battlefront, wondering how they even got there. She had not seen them there before. She knew what was coming next, she's replayed it in her head over and over again a thousand times before. Every single time she never made it, but still, she ran.

_"María!"_

_"María!!"_

_"María!!!"_

The distressed calling of her name did not sound any closer. This worried her. With every scream of her name, her body quaked more, but she didn't let that stop her, she trucked on, running as fast as possible; but she couldn't seem to get any closer, this frustrated her.

_"Please!"_ She cried, hoping someone would save her from this, save them from their impending doom. She couldn't bear to watch that again. She finally started to close in on them, she was almost there. She reached her hand out, almost there.. **_Boom!_**..

All black, all over again. There was a ringing in her ear. She heard her name, but it still sounded so very far away.

_"María!"_ It called once. Everything sounded distorted, her body felt strained as if she was holding onto something for dear life. Her hands were balled into tight fists, in them, she felt that strange fabric, cotton feeling again, was she clutching a piece of clothing? A shirt?

_"María!!"_ It called again. The voice sounded more clear, much closer than the last but still a bit distorted. She groaned, her body shaken to the core at what she'd just witnessed… again. Her eyes were shut tight, she released them from their tight hold, but did not open them before she heard her name again.

_"María!!!"_ It called for the third and final time. She heard it clear as day. It was extremely close now, loud, almost as if it were directly above her. She recognized that voice. That deep voice with that southern accent. Jasper.

She inhaled sharply, slowly opened her eyes, and looked around. Her face was pressed against his chest. The first thing she saw were her hands balled up into fists entangled in fabric. She loosened her hands from their entanglement, correct in her earlier assumption that she had been clutching a shirt, his shirt. She stared at the wrinkles in the shirt her hand left behind before she looked up only to see Jasper's concerned face staring back down at her. When he saw that she'd come to, he heaved a sigh of relief.

"María! María look at me!" He shouted, trying to gain her attention as he cupped her face between his large hands. Her eyes were looking toward him, but they were not focused on him. He lightly shook her again. "Look at me María." He demanded, sounding a little less distraught. Her eyes began to focus on him, she could see the intense panic and worry in his eyes. She blinked before he spoke again.

"Take a deep breath for me on three okay?" He counted to three, and she drew in a huge breath. "Hold it." He commanded. She complied, holding it in. 5 more seconds passed before he told her to release.

"Try it again, slower this time okay? On three.." He counted to three and again, she inhaled, holding it when he instructed, and releasing after 5 seconds. She never broke eye contact with him as she went through the process. She felt her body begin to relax. The knots in her midsection loosened and all the tension in her muscles released.

"Last time." He counted the final three before she breathed profoundly, holding her breath for the 5 last seconds and exhaling smoothly. She was much more stable now. He gently pulled her close, his hand coming to rest at her back, lightly stroking. She laid her head against his chest, continuing her deep measured breathing to keep herself lucid. They were silent for a moment before he opened his mouth.

"You scared the hell out of me you know that?" His voice sounded a bit shaky, but he continued. "I had to drag you from the backyard into the house, you were really jumpy the whole time, but then you suddenly jerked really hard and whimpered, mumbling about your 'papa', before you let go and ran away. I found you in the middle of the living room trembling with your eyes shut, your arms were wrapped around yourself and you seemed as if you didn't know where you were. You were still so jumpy. I came up behind you and grabbed you. You flinched really hard when I touched you and then your legs gave out. I carried you upstairs to this room. When I sat us both down, you suddenly screamed the word 'no'. I didn't know what to do at that point so I began to shake you, screaming at you to wake up. To come out of whatever state of being you were in. I didn't know if you could hear me but I had to try something. I called your name six times before you spoke again, but all you said was 'please'. I didn't know what was happening to you nor what you were talking about, and then you stretched out your hand before quickly recoiling back into your huddled position, you were shaking hard. I called your name three more times before you woke up." finishing his recall of the events that had just unfolded, he sighed. "I didn't know fireworks did that to you…"

She said nothing, just moaned, slowly leaning her head further into his chest. He placed his chin atop her head and breathed. "I won't ask you exactly what it was that you saw, I'm sure you're in no condition to recount those things, some of it I kind of already pieced together based on stories you've told me in the past. I'm deeply sorry leona, if I'd known it could do this to you, I would never hav-"

"No, it isn't your fault." She cut him off, her voice barely raising above a whisper. "I never really spoke about it." She admitted. Jasper huffed, "Well how could you? It's not something one just mentions randomly," he sighed again, "but it is something that is very serious María. I know that firsthand simply from experience, and I can help you if you would accept it." He suggested.

She shifted. "Okay.." was her only answer. She didn't know exactly what agreeing to that entailed or what was to come, but she knew that it was better to accept help from someone she knew and trusted than to continue living with this. "Just one thing.." She uttered, a little warily.

"What is it?" He asked, looking down at her, curious as to what she might say. She wracked through her mind for the right words to use before speaking. "Can we just.. stay here.. for a little while longer?" She asked, a bit nervous. She always hated asking people for anything. His arms tightened around her.

"As long as you need."

** End**

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Spanish Translations:  
Querido/Querida Amigo/Amiga = Dear friend  
Leona = Lioness (as a nickname that Jasper calls María)


End file.
